Let it GROW!

 Last night I ordered a lamp for my sewing corner. It'll be here on Friday! I'm having a lot of fun getting my 'Pay it Forward' station all set up and organized!

There are a 2 women in my support group who are in the beginning of their cancer journeys. This past week both of them shaved their heads. Loosing your hair is really a hard thing! I reached out to them both and told them I wanted to mail them or drop off a chemo scarf. One of the ladies lives in Utah County, so I emailed her pictures of the scarves I have right now. She picked the one she wanted and this morning I mailed it off to her! I can't wait for her to find this fun package in her mail!  

This is the scarf she picked out. It's a fun one! Nice and bright and cheery! I am currently working on coming up with a Brand name for my project. Once I've come up with it I'll have some tags made that I can sew into my scarves. I have some other big ideas, but I'm going to save sharing them until I have my branded name. I'd love any suggestions!

So while I was at the post office I told them about my project and asked them to give me an idea of what it was going to mail chemo scarves around the US. If I mail them in this envelope it will cost me .91 cents! And I can mail them anywhere in the US! This makes me so excited to get me chemo scarves everywhere! And it won't have to be a financial burden either! This project is coming together quite nicely! And I'm healing myself in the process!

Because sometimes change is good

This post has been a little slow in coming, but for a good reason! My surgery date was set for the 29th of this month, but because I have new insurance I decided to get a second opinion. Remember my post about that? The option the 2nd opinion purposed was going to be more surgery than my body could handle, so I figured I stick with my Dr. up at the Huntsman. His plan was to do implants and move my latissimus from my shoulder blade on the cancer side to my front. This extra cutting, longer surgery, drains and longer recovery really had me hung up! This was not what I wanted but he was insistent that this was the only way.
For my support group in March they had a plastic surgeon, Dr. J come and talk about reconstruction. His presentation was incredible. His ideas on how to do things was so inline with what I wanted. BUT, I thought, 'There is no way I'd want to drive to Utah County for surgery!'. His surgery idea is to not do extra cutting and flaps if it's not needed. As he put it, 'no free flap surgery is free. They come with a cost'. Meaning loss of muscle strength, scars, complications, infections, etc.
I came home and talked to my husband about what I had heard and learned. I was excited! He suggested that I go see Dr. J, and by doing so maybe we could convince my current Dr. to not do the latissimus, because Dr. J would have been my 2nd opinion of not needing it. I made an appointment. My sister-in-law went with me to this appointment. I quickly felt comfortable there. I saw Dr. J's assistant first and she explained how she thought he'd do my surgery. She did and exam and was confidant that he could make my end result beautiful. Dr. J came in and explained that he would do an exchange only, expander out- implant in, which would be an outpatient surgery!! Total time to do the job? About 2 1/2-3 hours, and some of that time is in recovery! No extra cutting! No drains! But there would be a cute belly band to wear while my liposuction site on my stomach heals. The fat taken from my tummy would be used to fat graft around my breast to make them look more natural and smooth around the edges. From what other breast cancer survivors have told me, the hardest part of this surgery is the discomfort from the liposuction. Most of them only took ibuprofen for pain, no heavy drugs. This is so appealing to me! I struggled big time with the last surgery and all the anesthesia, and all the million meds I took after. This surgery approach would be similar to when I had my port placed, so I'm encouraged that the side effects may not be as bad.
I made an appointment for surgery with the new doctor and told them that I wanted time to ponder and pray if this really was the right direction for me. They told me to make my decision and if I didn't choose to go with them to just call and cancel the surgery. No hard feelings they said. Surgery was set for May 20th at American Fork Hospital.
Having a constant prayer in my heart started as I left that office. Dave and I flew off to California to celebrate our 20th anniversary! Oh what a glorious time we had! While we were there I got an answer to my prayers. The answer wasn't strong and overwhelming, but a quiet, gentle affirmation that it was the right thing for me to go with Dr. J.
Monday morning after coming home I started having a spiritual nagging feeling that I needed to confirm that my insurance would indeed cover this new doc and

hospital. I made the call. Thank goodness for spiritual promptings! My insurance doesn't cover the hospital! But the doc has rights at another hospital and a surgical center. Dr. J suggested I go to the surgical center instead of Timpanogo's hospital. My insurance will pay for either option. I chose the surgical center but asked if we could do it on a day where I can have a one night stay if I don't come out of anesthesia well. He does surgery on Monday's and Fridays at the surgery center. If I have surgery on Monday and need a one night stay over that day will work. Friday surgeries cannot have a night stay over. With that, my surgery for May 20th was canceled and moved to his first Monday appointment, June 1st!
With my choice to change hospitals and doctors I made the phone call to my current Dr. and canceled my surgery.
So now I have quite a bit of time to prepare (and be nervous) for this last chapter of my cancer journey. I've heard many people tell me that the final reconstruction is the gift of having breast cancer. I hope I will like my new body. There always seems to be a level of emotional healing that has to take place in all of this. While I may heal quickly physically, it may take a while to heal emotionally. Thankfully I have a huge support system, and many breast cancer friends who can share wisdom with me as I heal.
My mind is blown that I am at this last part of my cancer journey. I remember in the beginning thinking about what it would feel like to be done. I'm excited! I feel strong! I feel loved! I feel like a fighter! A Winner! And a warrior!
And when this chapter closes? My next chapter of chemo scarves making will go bigger! The next chapter will be all about Paying it Forward!

My last chemo! Ringing the bell!

I have waited so long for this day! Waking up it felt a lot like Christmas morning! I had a new blouse to wear, the kids were missing school (except my oldest daughter) to be there today with me, and my husband had the morning off.
Today I packed my chemo bag full of chemo scarves, chex mix and games to play. My dad met us at the Chemo center, in all there were 6 of us. My husband took video of my last port access. This one was very uncomfortable, the nurse thinks its because I've lost weight and that makes the access site jiggly. But in all truth I've gained weight. Thank goodness I'll never have to feel that again! I have loved having a port! So much nicer than being poked in the arm with a needle EVERY TIME I needed blood drawn or a treatment! When I have my final reconstruction I'm going to have my port removed and I've asked to keep it :)

The wait to see the doctor was forever long! We sat in our room for about a half an hour and then I decided to go to the waiting room to check on my kids. My friend Merla (my chemo buddy) had her husband come and bring me a gift. She was not feeling well so she didn't come with him. She sent him with her camera and asked him to take my picture. He didn't recognize me with hair, it was pretty humorous! After visiting with him I went back to my room to keep waiting for the doctor. We waited for another 10 minutes or so. By the time I finished up with the doctor I had friends already showing up to watch me ring the bell, but I still hadn't even had my transfusion!

Because I had friends there before chemo began we took turns having people in the chemo room with me. Today's chemo friends were: my Dad, my husband, 3 of my kids, my youngest brother, my Grandpa, my 9 month pregnant friend,  and another friend and her 5 little girls.

When my Grandpa came back to the chemo room he visited with his old nurse Mary and she suggested to him that he ring the chemo bell too! He has recently finished taking some oral chemo pills, so he is also a chemo graduate! My emotions were high as I walked to the bell! It was so fun to see all my friends and family standing at the end of the hall watching me! We decided that my Grandpa and I would ring the bell together! It was awesome! I have video footage of it, but not sure how to share it.

Before leaving I left my chemo scarves in several different hat baskets around the cancer center.

I am so thankful to have been taken care of at this Cancer center! I have loved all the doctors I've seen! I've loved the nurses too! And meeting new friends in the chemo room was something I'll never forget and always be grateful for!

I am so happy to be done! I cannot stop smiling! Now I just have to wait for my chemo party!

Last day of chemo reminders

Friday Morning I have my final chemo treatment. For any of you that would like to watch me ring the bell it will be around 10:30, but if you'll let me know you want to come I can do a mass text and give you a 30 minute notice of being done. When you get there just hang out in the waiting area and one of my kids or my husband will come get you when it's time.

The Chemo party is Friday night from 6:30-8:30 at the church by my house.

We'll be having Pulled Pork sandwiches, salads and dessert. Sounds yummy doesn't it?! There will be a couple of stations of things to do too. We'll have chemo blanket tying, chemo love notes to write, and some games for the kids.

Let me know if you have any questions!
I'm anxiously awaiting my fun Friday!
Hope you all can make it!

My son's awesome day!

Today my son got his walking boot off! He is pretty excited! Last week we went out shopping for a pair of new shoes so he'd have something to wear. It's not surprising how worn out his one shoe got while wearing the cast and boot! Back in January I joked with him about who would be done first; him with his casts or me with my chemo! He beat me by TWO days! Lucky duck! He can return to normal activities, just no skiing. Truth is, he's already been doing normal acitivities with his walking boot. So, what was the first thing he did when he got home from school? He played a little basketball! There's no slowing him down now! I sure love that kid!

What Pi Day means to me

I’ve been laying in my bed, wide awake for the  past hour and a half. My mind has been tumbling over the memory of the 1st day I went and saw a doctor one year ago. Today marks the one year anniversary of going to see a doctor for the first time for my breast lump. I’m hoping that getting these memories written down I’ll be able to get some sleep before my family wakes up.
Flash back to the past…
Sometime around Halloween of 2013 I felt a small lump, but thought nothing of it. I had had a lump before and it ended up being a fibroid, so I figured that this new lump was probably the same thing. It didn’t hurt or bother me, so I did nothing. I didn’t even tell my husband I’d found it. I didn’t forget about it though, I felt it often and noticed that it wasn’t really changing. Around February 2014 the lump was getting bigger. It had been the size of a pea and was now about the size of a walnut. About this time I mentioned it to my husband and had him feel it. He lovingly, but boldly asked me why I hadn’t done anything about it yet. Our insurance had made some changes and who we could see had changed. I told my husband the reason was that I would have to pick a new doctor, and that was an inconvenience and stressful. I asked around for suggestions from friends to find a doctor. I still thought  this lump was nothing. Of all the names suggested to me by friends only ONE of them was on my insurance plan. I called and made an appointment, they could get me in the following week on Friday, March 14th. Talking to my one of my friends during the week over the phone I mentioned to her that I had this appointment and what it was for, she said that she'd like to come with me, just in case it was more than 'nothing'. I didn't want to waste her time and told her it was ok and that I would go alone. She was persistent and I eventually agreed to have her come with me. A few days before  the appointment I started to feel uneasy about this appointment so I called my Aunt to tell her of my appointment and asked her to keep me in her thoughts and prayers. I told her I thought it was just a clogged milk duct and most likely nothing to be worried about. She was a great listener and even sent me an email later with a poem of encouragement.
Friday, March 14th...
I don't remember if my friend and I drove together to my appointment or met there, that part of the story is a blur. But I do remember sitting in the exam room waiting to see the doctor. I was nervous. I was sweating. The doctor was a super nice guy. He did his exam by feeling the lump and measuring it. The lump had grown, it was no longer the size of a walnut. It was now about 3 inches long and 2 inches across. He suggested I go get a mammogram to determine what this lump was. I remember him telling me that he wasn't going to lose sleep over me, but thought I shouldn't be able to sleep. He gave me some great advice that day, advice that may have saved my life! His advice was to fight for my care, to insist that I be seen that day for a mammogram. He said, 'don't let them make you wait weeks for an appointment'. As I left his office I sat in my car with my friend and began making phone calls to find a center that could get me in for  a mammogram. My insurance wasn't very helpful in locating a place that I could go, but after much time we found a place. However, they could see me for almost 3 WEEKS! I told them I couldn't wait, they told me sorry, but they just couldn't see me until the end of March. I made an appointment but then called St. Marks to see if they took my insurance, they said they did. I asked if they had any openings, they didn't. I explained my situation and was told that they would talk to the radiologist as soon as they came out of a meeting and see what could be done for me. I waited, it felt like forever! While I waited I picked up my little boys from school and delivered them to my in-laws to be watched while I figured out where I was going to be seen. My friend had gone home to Lehi to take care of her kids, but said she'd come right back to Salt Lake if I wanted her to come with me to my mammogram. Right around lunch time I got a call back from St. Marks, they said they had an opening and could I be there in 30 minutes!! I called my friend and headed straight for St. Marks. My husband called me when he went on his lunch break and I updated him on what was happening. He said he'd meet me at St. Marks. The mammogram was a breeze! The imaging wasn't very clear though so they needed to have an ultra-sound. I sat in a waiting room for a million years, or so it felt. My husbnad sat and waited in a different waiting room, probably wondering what was going on. While I waited in this waiting room I was all alone, there were no other patients or people around. It was very quiet, and as I sat in this quiet I had a strong impression that my Mom was sitting next to me. This was the first time I had felt her presence since she had died. In this moment I felt calm and peaceful. I was taken to a room for my ultra-sound and the technician kept making sounds like she didn't like what she was seeing. She finished her job and said that the radiologist needed to review the images, and that the radiologist would most likely be coming in to do an ultra-sound of her own. At this point I asked if they could go get my husband so he could be with me to see and hear what the radiologist would do. Through this ultra-sound it was determined that the lump was not liquid filled but was a solid mass. It could be one mass, or it could be two that are bridged together, they were a little unclear about that. The mass does not have a smooth outer edge, it was jagged. This was concerning to the radiologist. I also have a couple lymph nodes in my armpit that are enlarged and darkened. This could be because of the irritation from the lump or it could be that whatever is going on in my breast is also happening in my lymph node. Again, they weren't sure. They scheduled an appointment for me to come back the following Tuesday for a biopsy. They would do 3 small incisions to take a sample of tissue to determine what was inside me.
Tuesday, March 18th...
I returned to St. Marks for my biopsy. I don't have a lot of memory of what happened during the biopsy. I do remember how long the needle was with the grabber though! I was numb and didn't feel much except for pressure when they'd grab a tissue sample. I remember being STARVED when my procedure was over and I was craving McDonald's chicken nuggets. Random, and gross, I know! My friend was with me during my appointment and was my driver home. She stopped at Mickey D's and got me some chicken nuggets on our way home. Those chicken nuggets were the BEST chicken nuggets I have ever eaten in my life! Coming home I was groggy and tired. I remember resting and icing the biopsy area for the next 48 hours.
Wednesday, March 19th...
My neighbor came over with her cute little newborn and spent part of the day keeping me company and helping to take care of me. We watched a movie and had lunch together. I was pretty sore today and continued to ice my biopsy site.
My oldest daughter was being inducted into the National Honors Society in the evening of this day. I was pretty miserable and sore but I went. And I took with me a small bag of frozen peas :) Frozen peas make the best ice packs. :)
Thursday, March 20th...
My husband met me on his lunch break at St. Marks. We met with the radiologist and a nurse navigator. It was confirmed that in all 3 area’s from my biopsy I had cancer. I was diagnosed what’s called invasive ductal carcinoma. This is the most common type of breast cancer. The cancer was classified as grade 3, which means its fast growing. This type of cancer reacts well to chemotherapy.  I was scheduled to go have an MRI to make sure the cancer had not spread beyond my lymph nodes the following day.
Friday, March 21st...
Show up at St. Marks with my husband and my little boys to have my MRI and they have no record of me having an appointment. My appointment was later in the evening so they couldn't get a hold of the doctor to get approval. The MRI tech eventually came out and got me and said he'd do my test and figure out tomorrow who to send it to. The MRI was traumatic, it brought back many memories of having them as a child for my brain tumor. Somehow I survived. I was hoping I wouldn't have to have another one for a LONG time.

From this point on until chemo treatment began my mind is pretty blank. I know lots of things happened and wish I had kept better notes.
My Dad was great at getting me to all my appointments with doctors, getting my port placed and taking care of me after. During this time as we prepared for chemo we were also getting our oldest daughter ready to head out to New York with her AP class from school. Life was crazy busy, and maybe it's good I don't remember the details. One thing that resonates in my mind of what I do remember during that time is how much LOVE I felt. The outpouring of love and support from all parts of my life was HUGE! Looking back I can see that it was because of the prayers, the love, the service and by many small acts that my family was carried through the most challenging thing imaginable! Thankfully I can recall the beautiful things that happened better than the pain and suffering I went through. I am grateful for the relationships that were built and strengthened with many of you! I am grateful to have a husband who loves me and is my rock! This journey has strengthened my friendship with him and love for him! My kids- what troopers they are! This was so hard and scary for them. I enjoyed explaining to them what was going on and helping them see my faith that everything would be OK. My kids amaze me, and my love for them grew so much!

In 6 days I'll have my final chemo and get to close a chapter in this cancer story!
I am so excited to celebrate!

Getting a 2nd opinion

My husband and I met with the Dr. that specializes in micro surgery for a second opinion. My main goal in meeting with her was to find out if there were other options besides the one presented to me by my plastic surgeon. My plastic surgeon told me that I was not a candidate for the S-flap (fat and tissue from your bum) or DIEP flap (fat and tissue from your stomach) because I don't have enough 'fat'. This Dr. is famous for being able to do these surgeries! And her failure rate is 2%! That's amazing! I like those odds!
In the beginning of our discussion she said she may just be confirming that the surgery I have planned with my current plastic surgeon is good enough and perhaps the right choice for me. She spoke very highly of my Dr. and reenforced that I am in good hands. She felt like because of my body size implants would give me an optimal shape and look. And where I haven't had major discomfort from my tissue expanders I may not be too bothered by the implant. We talked about the latissimus dorsi flap surgery that is planned for my cancer/radiated side. She said if she was doing my surgery she would NOT do that procedure. She doesn't feel it is necessary because my skin isn't very damaged and I still have plenty of elasticity. In her opinion doing that procedure is leaving me with fewer option if it were to fail. This type of surgery should be done as a backup if the 1st surgery fails or if the skin is too thin and damaged. So what other options did she give me? And are they real possibilities for me? She does a couple of procedure that are excellent choices because the end result is closer to a natural breast, and the failure rate is significantly less! She says I AM a candidate for the S-flap, and if I go with this procedure I won't have to have more surgeries down the road, like I would an implant. Implants have a shelf life, no pun intended. With implants I can expect to have them exchanged 1-2 more time in my lifetime. The S-flap takes tissue and fat from my bum and transplants it into my breast pocket. The blood supply is reattached through micro surgery to make certain the tissue remains alive and with good blood supply. This surgery is 7 hours long! And they only do one breast at a time, with a 3 month waiting period in between surgeries. Following surgery I would be in the hospital 3 days to be watched and monitored to be sure the blood circulation is ok in the fat graft. I will have a drain in my breast and one in the flap area where the fat was taken from my bum. Oh joy! I won't be able to sit on the bum cheek that has the incision for a couple weeks, so I'll have to learn how to sit, how to get up from a sitting position and I'll have drains to take care of. So, no driving and no heavy lifting for a while. She thinks healing time is about 3-4 weeks. In surgery she will fix the cosmetic issue I have on my cancer breast, however she doesn't feel it can be corrected in surgery alone. She feels I'll need to have fat grafting done (later down the road) to fix, or as she said it, soften the issue. There is also the possibility of doing the DIEP flap procedure, but there is only enough extra fat and tissue in my stomach to do one breast. So, if I chose this option she recommends doing this for the cancer/radiated breast and then do an implant on the non-cancer side. BUT, if I go with that option they still only do ONE side at a time, and she would do the cancer/radiated side first. This surgery requires micro surgery again to reconnect blood vessels to keep the tissue alive and is again a 7 hour surgery, and a longer hospital stay.
I mentioned my desire to have an easier time recovering from anesthesia, but she said there really isn't a way to know how to make that happen. They will make sure to have good anti-nausea meds available to me though.

The pro's and con's:
*By choosing a surgery that uses my own tissue to make breast I won't have to have more surgery later for an exchange.
*The look and feel is more like a natural breast. I still have the option to go a little smaller or a little bigger, it's up to me.
*If my weight fluctuates, my breasts can too because the tissue has been grafted in and is a part of me and not some foreign object.
*The doctor says her failure rate is 2%, which is incredible considering the radiated side has an increase chance of failure because of damage done because of radiation.
*Longer surgery
*Longer stay in the hospital
*Having drain in the buttocks area and the breast
*harder, longer recovery

I really went into this appointment thinking she was going to confirm my decision to stick with my Dr. She even said herself that he is an AMAZING doctor and I'm already in good hands. My husband and I both left feeling a little uncertain about what to do. We see one option being a quicker way to being done, and the other as a longer way to sculpt my body. Part of me just wants to be done with this!, and therefore wants to move forward with the surgery plan already in motion. But there is also the side of me that says that going the longer, harder road would be best in the bigger picture. Now the hard part comes, I need to pick a surgery. Having options is better than not having options I guess. I'm glad I got a 2nd opinion so that I can never second guess myself that I should have. I'm looking forward to my quiet times where I can contemplate my choices and be open to the spirit to help guide my decision. I know that I'll be praying with a greater purpose of finding an answer to this big decision.
This coming Sunday is fast Sunday for us, and I invite any of you who would like to fast with us in my behalf to do so. If you are not a religious person, I would ask you to send positive thoughts my way! Over the past year I have have been humbled and touched by your love and prayers and I know it can happen for this situation as well! I know Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I know He loves me and I know he knows how hard this experience has been for me. He is still by my side and through my faith and prayers he will help me know what to do.

And, last but not least, 13 days until my final chemo! I'm already trying to figure out what I'm going to wear to my final treatment. Last night I dreamt about this day and what it as going to sound like to ring the bell. It was a pretty amazing dream, and before I know it, it's going to be my reality!